soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
