So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
