She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
