My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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