shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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