I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
