I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
