you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Who died my cat blue again?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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