Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
