Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
