i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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