my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
