Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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