Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
