Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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