he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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