i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
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His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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