I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
