Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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