In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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