Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
