I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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