Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
