My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize