Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I cannot find my penis.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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