I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
they're like a gay fantastic four
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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