I just pynch a tree in the face
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
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I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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