So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
