she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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