he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
