Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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