we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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