Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
pray to the hookup gods
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
