we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
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sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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