It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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