There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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