i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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