I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
