I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
