I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We need a shit load of segways right now
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
