On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
