I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
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I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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