I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
