He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
