my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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