The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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