Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
