I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
