Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
