I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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