I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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