I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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