I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have already put on my inside pants.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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