This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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