he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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