Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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