you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
