Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
