A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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