Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
