wanna go halves on a baby?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
